Regrets

Regret is a truly toxic substance.  It can rob you of more than just your time wasted in wondering what might have been.  It can rob you of your present.  Mistakes are made.  We're human.  I've looked at my life.  There are choices I've made that people would file under MISTAKE in capital letters.

The first thing that comes to mind is the fact that I eloped at age 18.  Few people would ever consider that a good choice even if the couple remained married for decades. I personally think I was foolish in running off and getting married.  It's one of those things that immature people do without pondering the consequences.  But I can't regret it.

I jumped into a second marriage six months after my first husband's death.  I'm sure there were several bets on how short the union would be.  That was 12+ years ago.  I actually had two separate men I had known for years let me know that they had intended to ask me out after giving me time to mourn.  I could regret not giving myself more time to be single and date.  I don't.  I can't.

The problem with regretting decisions is that you wish you could go back and change them.  If you change a decision, then you change not only the outcome, you change the domino effect of that choice on the things that follow.

If I hadn't married my first husband, how would I have ever located the comic book store where I met my second husband?  Andy and I found the store.  We befriended the clerk.  It was because of that friendship that several weeks after his death I went to the store.  I wanted to let the clerk know about his passing.  While there, I met the owner who I later married.

If I hadn't married my second husband when I did then our first born son would have been too late.  My grandmother, the only grandparent I had left on this earth, died when he was three months old.  Not long after his birth, we had a last family get together.  For just a moment as she held him, my grandmother realized who I was and that the child was mine.  In that sweet, short minute of respite from the theft of Alzheimer's she knew I was happy.  A memory that will forever be etched in my heart.

A time machine that could take me back allowing me to change my past would be a temptation but a waste of gears and bolts.  Even if I look at the small mistakes in my life, they still led me here.  Here is not perfect but it holds all I love.  I'm married to a good husband and father.  I am blessed with five handfuls that keep me on my toes.  There are adventures in life that I missed because of choices I made.  There are adventures I would have missed without those choices. 

The Bible says, "A man's heart deviseth his way: but the LORD directeth his steps." Proverbs 16:9  I believe in an all powerful, all knowing, omniscient God.  God always knew what mistakes I would make.  He knew where they would take me.  God knows where I am going next.  In retrospect concerning any decision I've ever made, I can see God's hand in it all.  The most horrible mistakes I could ever imagine making at any time in life will lead to the place God wants me.  I may not want to get there the way He sends me.  I may pray for the discernment necessary to never make a misstep.  God teaches us not only in the triumphs of our lives, but in the failures.  Frankly, we tend to listen better when facing the storm.  

Do I have regrets?  No.  Not if you mean to ask if there was something in my past I would change.  I honestly think the cost would be too high.  Does that belief keep me from wondering sometimes?  No.  I do sometimes wonder off in those directions in my mind but then one of the blessings in my home dashes past or needs a mommy kiss to fix a boo-boo.  My regrets will simply stay as lessons hopefully learned.  My life will continue on and I will pray to joyfully follow the path God places in front of me.