Tough Decisions

I saw on Facebook a couple of days ago a question posed by one of the blog writers:

“Would you/do you care for aging parents in your home? Is it ever acceptable to place them in a nursing or retirement home or some other state-run institution?” emphasis mine

This query hits home right now. The verse quoted beneath it was Timothy 5:4 & 8. I've recently seen these verses used erroneously to argue against large families. I read them as meaning that the family provided for its extended family especially if there were no other parents, children, uncles, etc. available for that purpose. I read it as taking in homeless family, providing financial assistance during crisis, and love no matter what the situation. Now it is being used against nursing homes.

I do not ever want to put any of my loved ones into a facility to care for them. I find it hard to leave someone in the hospital alone. (I have extremely good reasons too!) Sometimes you don't have a choice.

Right now my family is faced with a problem. Three months ago, on January 25^th, my mother in law was involved in an accident. An 82 year old man did not stop at the stop sign, failed to notice the flashing caution light, and pulled onto a major four lane highway in front of her. He walked away with bruises. She was life flighted to a level one trauma center.

She survived the accident, filled out all the paperwork, answered all their questions. Unfortunately, during surgery to put a rod in her leg and pins in her wrist she experienced a stroke. Two weeks later because of a pharmaceutical mistake by that hospital, she ended up on a ventilator.

Here we are in week 13 of this ordeal. She has spent the last 67 days in a specialty hospital that is a three hour round trip for us weening from the machine breathing for her. She had real success for one week. Once again an infection has forced her back onto the ventilator. Her body does not have the strength to fight a disease and breathe.

The problem is that now insurance considers her stable enough to move. We couldn't get her moved from the level one trauma center when we were desperate to get her out before they could do her permanent damage. All because they were the “better level of care”. Now that we want her to stay in a better level at the specialty hospital, they insist she needs a “lower level of care” because she is “stable”. The insurance has it's own definition of that word. Even the doctor would prefer to keep her because any kind of infection or cold could send her spiraling down. This past week is further proof of that. He has no choice.

We were given the option of a high level nursing/rehab home that accepts patients in her condition or getting trained on the machines and bringing her home.

Yep. There it is. While I have yet to figure out how those two are equal, we have the option of bringing her home. Many facilities won't take her because of the vent needing specialized care but they can train a non medical person to handle it. Really? If people who spend several years and tons of money on medical degrees are hesitant, what in the world are they thinking to hand the job over to a woman who only took CPR when she was eight?

The verses in Timothy say that the children are to care for the parents. Okay. My husband is an only child. He manages our business and is an instructor at the university to support our family of seven. Because my mother in law loves being around people and in order to keep busy, she ran the day to day operations of that 25+ year business. Now our five children and I run the store...every day...open to close. She would require 24/7 care. I would have to stay home. We would have to give up our business or his instructor's position. This would devastate us financially. I don't make that comment lightly. My husband lost his main financially supporting job a year ago which took with it our health insurance and half our income.

So there you have it. The bible states that a child should care for his mother. I agree wholeheartedly. I simply don't know why the quoted verses are used to insist on care at home. Wouldn't the better choice of care be a facility that has trained staff that can work on regular schedules with equipment they have practiced using for years? Isn't that taking care of your parent? How well could a sleep deprived, barely trained mom do? Wouldn't forcing your family into bankruptcy, probably losing your home, and potentially becoming dependents of the state be exactly opposite to taking care of your family?

I watched my mother suffer extreme guilt when she finally placed my grandmother in a home because of Alzheimer's Syndrome. Grandma could not be left alone even for a second. Sitters were expensive. Her mind continued deteriorating to the point of her needing near constant medical care as well. My parents worked full time. My brother lived and worked 3 hours away. I was pregnant and 4 hours away. Grandma's son worked full time 3 hours away. Her other daughter's hands were full with a sick husband and a mentally challenged adult son. I understood without hesitation but that did not ease Mom's conscious. She nearly had a breakdown over the stress.

I don't write this as some kind of justification of my position. I do believe that some people will judge us harshly. Others who have been in similar situations won't. My hope is that perhaps someone who feels the extreme guilt that can accompany these decisions, who has had this verse thrown in their faces, will read this and know that God has provided a place for people to receive care like their loved one needs. God will provide a place where my mother in law can receive the care she needs. My husband, children, and I will visit as often as we can, as we have since this ordeal began.