I saw on Facebook a couple of days ago a
question posed by one of the blog writers:
“Would you/do you care
for aging parents in your home? Is it ever acceptable to place
them in a nursing or retirement home or some other state-run
institution?” emphasis mine
This query hits home
right now. The verse quoted beneath it was Timothy 5:4 & 8.
I've recently seen these verses used erroneously to argue against
large families. I read them as meaning that the family provided for
its extended family especially if there were no other parents,
children, uncles, etc. available for that purpose. I read it as
taking in homeless family, providing financial assistance during
crisis, and love no matter what the situation. Now it is being used
against nursing homes.
I do not ever want
to put any of my loved ones into a facility to care for them. I find
it hard to leave someone in the hospital alone. (I have extremely
good reasons too!) Sometimes you don't have a choice.
Right now my family is
faced with a problem. Three months ago, on January 25th,
my mother in law was involved in an accident. An 82 year old man did
not stop at the stop sign, failed to notice the flashing caution
light, and pulled onto a major four lane highway in front of her. He
walked away with bruises. She was life flighted to a level one
trauma center.
She survived the accident,
filled out all the paperwork, answered all their questions.
Unfortunately, during surgery to put a rod in her leg and pins in her
wrist she experienced a stroke. Two weeks later because of a
pharmaceutical mistake by that hospital, she ended up on a
ventilator.
Here we are in week 13 of
this ordeal. She has spent the last 67 days in a specialty hospital
that is a three hour round trip for us weening from the machine
breathing for her. She had real success for one week. Once
again an infection has forced her back onto the ventilator. Her body
does not have the strength to fight a disease and breathe.
The problem is that now
insurance considers her stable enough to move. We couldn't get her
moved from the level one trauma center when we were desperate to get
her out before they could do her permanent damage. All because they
were the “better level of care”. Now that we want her to stay in
a better level at the specialty hospital, they insist she needs a
“lower level of care” because she is “stable”. The insurance
has it's own definition of that word. Even the doctor would prefer
to keep her because any kind of infection or cold could send her
spiraling down. This past week is further proof of that. He has no
choice.
We were given the option
of a high level nursing/rehab home that accepts patients in her
condition or getting trained on the machines and bringing her home.
Yep. There it is. While
I have yet to figure out how those two are equal, we have the option
of bringing her home. Many facilities won't take her because of the
vent needing specialized care but they can train a non medical person
to handle it. Really? If people who spend several years and tons of
money on medical degrees are hesitant, what in the world are they
thinking to hand the job over to a woman who only took CPR when she
was eight?
The verses in Timothy say
that the children are to care for the parents. Okay. My husband is
an only child. He manages our business and is an instructor at the
university to support our family of seven. Because my mother in law
loves being around people and in order to keep busy, she ran the day
to day operations of that 25+ year business. Now our five
children and I run the store...every day...open to close. She would
require 24/7 care. I would have to stay home. We would have to give
up our business or his instructor's position. This would devastate
us financially. I don't make that comment lightly. My husband lost
his main financially supporting job a year ago which took with it our
health insurance and half our income.
So there you have it. The
bible states that a child should care for his mother. I agree
wholeheartedly. I simply don't know why the quoted verses are used
to insist on care at home. Wouldn't the better choice of care be a
facility that has trained staff that can work on regular schedules
with equipment they have practiced using for years? Isn't that
taking care of your parent? How well could a sleep deprived, barely
trained mom do? Wouldn't forcing your family into bankruptcy, probably
losing your home, and potentially becoming dependents of the state be
exactly opposite to taking care of your family?
I watched my mother suffer
extreme guilt when she finally placed my grandmother in a home
because of Alzheimer's Syndrome. Grandma could not be left alone
even for a second. Sitters were expensive. Her mind continued
deteriorating to the point of her needing near constant medical care
as well. My parents worked full time. My brother lived and worked 3
hours away. I was pregnant and 4 hours away. Grandma's son worked
full time 3 hours away. Her other daughter's hands were full with a
sick husband and a mentally challenged adult son. I understood
without hesitation but that did not ease Mom's conscious. She nearly
had a breakdown over the stress.
I don't write this as some
kind of justification of my position. I do believe that some people
will judge us harshly. Others who have been in similar situations
won't. My hope is that perhaps someone who feels the extreme guilt
that can accompany these decisions, who has had this verse thrown in
their faces, will read this and know that God has provided a place
for people to receive care like their loved one needs. God will
provide a place where my mother in law can receive the care she
needs. My husband, children, and I will visit as often as we can, as
we have since this ordeal began.
